A Case of the Mondays

Nobody enjoys Mondays and it seems that everyone often complains about them. My feelings about Mondays these days come with a mixed emotion. Every Monday is when I start a new week of pregnancy. Before the diagnosis, I would send Trey a text every Monday morning saying “Happy ____ weeks. I quit after the diagnosis due to fear of the unknown and being scared to get excited about pregnancy. Not knowing what another week might bring. Since Mondays mark the beginning of a new pregnancy week this is also the day I get all the e-mail and text alerts about how baby is developing. I stopped reading them for a couple of weeks because it would make me really sad and emotional. I have started reading them again and at the end of the day they give me hope and something to hold on to. At 16 weeks I read due to muscles forming in the ear canal that baby can start distinguishing voices. I plan on having a very long talk with this little guy/gal.

This Monday brought a wave of emotions on me out of nowhere. We had a fire drill at school and as I am standing outside waiting for the all clear I see another pregnant teacher and have to fight back the tears. I see pregnant people all the time and, I hate to admit it, but I get jealous and envious of them. They all look so happy. In my head I start doing a side by side comparison and I am the terrified one living every day in fear and they are the ones planning a nursery and registering for baby gifts. The rest of the day I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown or panic attack; like I couldn’t breathe. I’m not always like this and I have actually been doing much better emotionally since sharing my story and realizing how many people we have out there praying for us, but today was a struggle.

I called Mom on my way home from work and just cried. All I kept saying was “I’m tired.” Physically I am fine. Physically this has been the easiest pregnancy ever. I had no morning sickness and, so far, no aches and pains. I’m just emotionally tired and spent. I started thinking though. If I am expecting this baby to be strong and fight and not give up, I must do the same. I can’t afford to waste time being sad or tired. I have tried to make it a habit that when I start to feel the emotions coming on or the anxiousness set in to stop and say a quick prayer. Worry about nothing; pray about everything.

We go for our next Dr. appointment on Wednesday where we will check on baby and, if everything is good, have the amnio done. I am always anxious before these appointments and very overwhelmed. I pray that we go and baby’s heartbeat is there and strong. I pray for a successful procedure and clear test results. Most of all, I pray for this stupid growth to be gone or shrinking.